i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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