Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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