I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
