Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize