I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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