you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
