This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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