did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
