Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
