I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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