I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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