Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
