so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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