I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
