What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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