no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
