I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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