He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
