I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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