Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
