Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
