it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
