Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
