1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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