she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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