eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
