hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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