I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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