These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Every concussion has its silver lining
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
