Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize