Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
