ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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