I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
