There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
