but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
