i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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