I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
