So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
