Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
