totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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