omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
