Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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