the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
