i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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