We named our party play list daddy issues
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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