I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
