wakey wakey hands off snakey
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
