I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
