My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
