I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
