my phone needs a breathalizer
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
