I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
