I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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