Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
