I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize