Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
