i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
