If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize