I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
