Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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