He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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