Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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