do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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