I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
