Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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