The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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