I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Text me some of your sweat
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
