I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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