I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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